What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Welcome to Wal-Mart, can I help you?

Big carparations. They are the blight on America's future and the bane of our past. They are like poisoned peanut butter or Britney Spear's hair; better done without. Sure they employ millions of Americans and contribute the bulk of taxpayer dollars, funding welfare queens and bridges to nowhere, but they have gotten so big, so enormous, that I almost have a bout of vertiginousness just contemplating them.

Take Wal-Mart, for instance, which is the Elvis of them all. Wal-Mart is the world's largest retailer, single handedly turning over zillions of dollars annually (FCN estimate) and providing for America's black and NASCAR populations. But don't get the idea that the Walton family is benevolent with all that wealth. No way, like so many Maloof brothers, they disc their income back into the business, “rolling back” prices and finding new ways to draw poor people to their stores.

A few years ago, Wal-Mart made the biggest step a big business can entertain; it filed the appropriate papers with the United Nations and became a recognized nation. As the 124th largest nation in the world, Wal-Mart ranks above Naru and Vatican City and among such esteemed body politics as Ethiopia and Czechoslovakia on the nation lists.

Secretary General Kofi Annan even issued Wal-Mart a flag (a vertically hanging red, white and blue monstrosity that you may see hanging in a store near you) and a national motto. Signs litter the stores globally, listing the nation's new creed:

The CIA World Factbook, the world's foremost authority on demographic and political data, has the following information about Wal-Mart:

The citizens of Wal-Mart are generally very friendly. They respect tourists, and tend to assimilate the customs of those who visit. They aren't impressed by celebrity, but will make time for Dale Earnhardt Jr.

The climate in Wal-Mart is relatively stable at about 68 degrees in the winter and 78 in the summer, although the temperature is known to drop in the frozen foods section and rise near the bakery.

Natural resources include paper and plastic bags and adhesive smiley faces.

Wal-Mart's government type is like many Banana Republics in that it relies on a promotion system to determine leaders instead of democratic votes. Carparate scandal is the most common coup method. A "Board of Directors" form a strong executive whose wishes must be enforced by a "Chief Executive Officer" (CEO). A series of "Vice Presidents" and other "Brass" make up the CEO's cabinet and must answer to his every whim. The most important officer is the "Vice President of Spills Cleanup."

Every month each store nominates an "Employee of the Month," a title that allows the bearer to have the snazziest parking spot. The Employee of the Month is determined by an arbitrary political paradigm.

Although the nation is known to be fairly secure, some natural hazards do exist. Be careful in the center of the country that you do not become disoriented by the size and expanse around you. Also be cautious near the checkout counters as scandalous magazines may scar you for life.

Politically, immigration has always been a key concern for Wal-Mart and, because of the nation's reliance on imports and exports to keep its thriving economy moving, a closed border has never been an option. Trained customs agents are assigned at every Wal-Mart port of entry – there are over 1,000 in the United States alone – to ensure that no goods are smuggled out.

Wal-Mart maintains a small army that usually assists the immigration officials in quelling export/import disturbances. However, if any large scale conflict erupts this nation relies on the force of its neighbors to survive. In past wars, Wal-Mart has avoided taking sides or aligning itself with a particular party, choosing a path of pacifism instead. Some critics claim this peace mongering is fiscally driven.

Wal-Mart has yet to ratify the Kyoto Protocol.

The nation's population growth rate is second only to China at 12% annually.

Wal-Mart's dependent areas include most of the southern United States, all of Iowa and the Midwest and half of Texas.


Sarah said...

ROFL! That was hilarious!

Christopher Yerziklewski said...

One correction: There is no Czechoslovakia any more. It is now the Chzech Republic and Slovakia, two countries. Other then that it sounds pretty true.

adrialien said...

HAHAHA!!! "All of Iowa"...I can DEFINITELY relate to that...and the service in those Super WMs is abysmal!

Jesse said...

I could not find the on the CIA world fact book and those regions are the property of the USA.

Rachael said...

Well the one thing i was disappointed about was that u didn't put how most of the works that run around in Wal Mart don't speak English... u should know that.